First Entry

1/5/2008 8:42:32 PM
It’s a Saturday night. I am starting this journal, yet another one, to chronicle the road towards a healthier ME!
I am writing this because of what I am reading at online forums. Many, many people have the same questions I have. Many people have walked in my shoes. I know it seems sometimes as if no one understands but I am seeing that there are many hundreds if not thousands of people who know where I am coming from. Without judgment they offer answers. I hope that if I chronicle this journey, I can answer some questions for someone.
I am contemplating getting the LapBand©. It is a silicone implant with an injection port attached. It is attached circumferentially around the upper portion of the stomach. It is sutured with two stay sutures to prevent slippage. The port is to be filled anywhere from time of surgery – 6 weeks post –op. The ports come in varying sizes and capacities. After healing, unless partially filled during surgery, the port is located via palpation or under fluoroscopy. It is then filled with a sterile saline solution. Increments can be as small as .1cc.
I have been doing a fair amount of research on the subject. I am reading the major manufacturers websites as well as some WLS online forums. Obesityhelp and Lapbandtalk are two which I read daily. The members on the forums are former, current and future patients wanting the lapband surgery. There are both pro and con views on the procedure. The majority of the forum is positive. The negatives are also posted, mainly complications which can range from port flipping to slippage of the stomach into up over the banded location to erosion. I, being a surgical technician, fully understand all of the complications and risks associated with the Lapband surgery and aftercare.
My journey starts almost 30 years ago. I wasn't the chubby kid, but I remember always not being happy with my weight. I always played and ran around as a kid so I don’t see that I led an obese lifestyle until about a decade later. I had a baby at the age of 17. I gained over 60 pounds with that pregnancy. I remember the scale showing 205 and I was totally freaked out by that number but figured it would just come off after delivery. Boy was I wrong. I know and remember that I had lost a significant amount of weight but was never truly down to my fittest and comfortable weight again. That comfort range for me at 5’4” was 140 lbs. Hate to say it but at that weight I thought I was a whale. I know I was always trying to lose weight thru various diets (all home made) or exercise. Some worked, others didn’t. I don’t remember ever being content with my weight after that point. I had moments of feeling like I looked ok, but never satisfied because the numbers never flirted with 140’s again. My lowest weight numbers were hovering in the low 150’s.
I had been in and out of college working to some degree, any degree several times. I have memory of wearing jeans so I was in “normal” sizes (not plus sized). I’m guessing the size was 12. I have no recollection of the weight associated with that size. The numbers have since changed apparently. I remember having my teenaged daughter try on one of my size 8 cords. They fit her but she was a 4 or a 6 at the time. Now why would clothes companies do that? To make a “normal” sized 8 girl think she was better because her tag would now read 4?
1997-8 I know I was in plus sized clothing stores because I needed new maternity clothes. I had lots of black dress pants. They were anywhere from 14W – 16W. I haven’t ever been able to shop in a normal sized store again. The last 8 years I experienced the biggest weight gain of all. I know this because I started working in the OR in 2000 and I wore an M or L scrubs. I now have X sometimes 2X. Wearing scrubs has its benefits. It also has its drawbacks. They are string waisted and adjustability is a fat girl’s WORST enemy. Any dress clothes I have had to buy over the last 8 years range from 14W to 18W (which can be TIGHT).
A little history on my thinking about WLS. In 2000 I started working as a certified surgical technician. It was and is a very interesting job. I love it. I started working on the obesity surgeries often. I was scrubbing on the Roux-en-Y and Gastric Bypass surgeries. At that time we were doing them “open” and not lapraoscopy. They now are being done laparoscopicly when appropriate at my hospital. I observed that most of our patients were morbidly obese. (Mind you, I am technically obese too). Our patients were easily in the 300,400 and 500+ pound range. A weight I knew I surely would never attain. I am not there but am awfully close (50 lbs). I thought I wouldn’t be a candidate for the surgery. I asked a few times of the surgeons I worked with if I was and they calculated my BMI and said I was but to think it over. They weren’t trying to dissuade me because they didn’t believe in the surgery they were tying to save me the recovery time etc. I put the thought out of my mind. That was anywhere from 4-5 years ago. The thought flashed through my head again briefly because I personally know three women who had WLS. I work with them. I see their progress and struggles. In my family there are also two people who have contemplated WLS. One had the Gastric Bypass and one could not get surgery. Of the 4 who I know had the surgery (either GB or RY), three say they are content and would do it again, one wishes she never did. Two of them have daily trouble in the bathroom department. I didn’t want those kinds of troubles as I have them slightly now due to something called post cholecystecomy syndrome. When I first heard about the “band” I only heard bad things about it. Erosions and failures and band “cheaters” are all I heard about. I quickly put it out of my head. Presently I am still waffling daily on whether or not to get the band but I feel strongly that I should. I am a thorough researcher (it takes me a YEAR to buy a new car) so hopefully I will have all my ducks in a row the day of surgery.
In looking seriously at Lapband surgery I have done a few things. I have started logging food intake into a website called Sparkpeople. Ask any “chubby” and they can design a banging nutritional diet and work out program. I knew WHAT to eat and WHAT to do for working out but apparently I wasn’t doing any of it right. I KNOW what to eat, and thought I was doing ok but my proportions were OUT of control. My boyfriend and I can polish off nearly a whole box of spaghetti. It SHOULD feed 4-5 people. I don’t have one piece of buttered Italian bread, I have 2. Even the healthy foods I ate too much of. I didn’t have a cup or two of watermelon in the summertime; I had the equivalent of 4 servings. Two bananas, two packets of oatmeal, even two slimfasts when I tried them. I ate too fast and didn’t give my stomach the TIME it needed to tell my brain that WHOA…ok, I’ve had enough. For beverage, I don’t have caloric beverages aside form watered down OJ once in a blue moon. I drink water, CrystaLite and Diet Coke. I fully admit that I am a Diet Coke addict. The Diet Coke is something I HAVE to work on because after the band, carbonated beverages are off limits. Logging my foods has been a real eye opener. I have tried to eat as if I had the band. I take (or try to-after the band this won’t be a choice) small bites and chew chew chew to liquefy then swallow. I am trying to cut down on my bread intake – another no-no for banders. I am drinking a protein and water beverage for breakfast. The Unjury brand is quite tasty. I am going to try several brands until I find some which are tolerable. I will be on protein drinks for several weeks after surgery and as a protein supplement as needed. I have in my cupboard a brand from Andrew Lessman. It is a soy based protein meal replacement but it gives me tummy trouble. It is there if I run out. I will take photos to add to this journal. I have avoided pictures for too long. I never liked having my picture taken though, even when I am thin. I think I am attractive, just rather shy.
Now the reasons for me being over 200 pounds I do not know. I have thought on them, tried to identify them to no avail. I have tried dozens of diets. I’ve joined several different gyms, and even WENT to them. I have fasted, eaten high protein, low carb, very low calorie diets, liquid diets, low fat, high fat, cabbage soup, cayenne lemonade. I have tried too many. Some work, some I get sick of, literally. Many just frustrate me into failure, yet again. I wasn’t beaten by my parents (only lived with one after age 6 or so). I was the victim of an abusive sibling but I cannot in anyway associate that with my not losing weight. I was a child of divorce when divorce wasn’t talked about openly. I know I was angry about that as a kid but again, why would it make me fat? I have my own individual view on religion. It changes as I get older. I was raised a Catholic but in name only. My mother never came to church. I went to church less then regularly with an older teen who would accompany me. I went to Catholic high school, again, only because it was a better school to attend than the one I was zoned for. The older I get the less I believe in a single deity. I KNOW in my heart that there is something “out there”. There has to be I just don’t think it is an old white dude with a white flowing robe (no offense really, these are just my views). I do believe in a “source” if you will. Be it electrical or otherwise. I am fascinated in science and physics and Chemistry especially. Break anything down to its simplest components and you have positive and negative ENERGY…….that’s it. Atoms, sub atomic particles, neutrinos, strings etc…..it’s amazing. Then again, I do revere the miracle that is life itself. An infant, a giant redwood tree, a virus all are magnificent and cause me great wonder as to their creation and existence. WOW, deep huh? Then there’s the Platypus. What God would do that? (A joke people, relax). I find myself a conservative. I do remember thinking (as a teen) that prisoners shouldn’t have as many amenities as they had, I thought that innocuous drugs should never be legalized. They were a gateway to more bad behavior. I disliked drinking and drug use. I hated liars and cheats. I still hold many of these beliefs. I first registered as a Democrat only because that’s what my mother did and I knew no better. It didn’t matter to me. I became more interested in world affairs after the Rodney King beatings and subsequent disregard to the law shown in the days after the verdict and the rioting. I started listening to Far right Conservative radio and despite thinking they were almost as nutty as the wacky lefties, I agreed with much of the underlying tone. I am now a registered Republican but do not vote strictly party, I promise. I vote in each issue dependant on my research. I have to admit that in some elections I have had to vote for the lesser of two evils. I tend to vote right of center but slightly more independent of my Radical Righty party peeps. I work hard, always have. I just was able to buy my first home two years ago. I make a good enough living but would like to make more. I am also a massage therapist and have been on a transplant team. There is more to be said about the job(s) and the house but I’ll get to that another time.
So, my religion, childhood, political persuasions do not explain why I have not been able to lose weight. I find that I am lazy when it comes to staying with any new venture. I try things for about a month before they become tedious, or not as important. I know I do NOT want to be unhealthy. I used to run for Gods sake ( a LOT) and LIKED it. I’d like to fit comfortably in stylish clothes again. I’d like to not have my necklaces and bracelets fit tightly. I’d like to be able to run again. I’d like to be able to ride again. I have ridden horses all of my life from age 4-5(memory of my dad and I riding) up until about 8 years ago.
Man, I do see a pattern though, everything seemed to go to shit 8 years ago. Eeek, I have been in a relationship for 8 years and almost 2 months. I met him in 1999. Moved in with him in 2001(the week of 9/11 no less). I have the clothes I wore from our first date. It was a burgundy moleskin big shirt over a pair of 10!! Black slacks. I can’t even get my arm in that shirt now. We have had our ups and downs, good and bad times. Really good and really bad mind you. Nothing there should make me not succeed though. He was been here through my Nutrisystem© deliveries, Slimfast© (the Costco© equivalent), Weight Watchers©. We even had ZoneChefs© food delivered for two weeks. He’s been with me to the gym. He’s walked with me etc. He used to be a marathon runner, now couch potato although not fat. He could lose about 10 pounds to be at his ideal weight. He’s fluctuated up and down by 25 pounds in our time together. There were bouts of unemployment that added to that struggle for him I am sure.
The stories of the people who had LBS are so inspiring. Many have needed to lose over a hundred pounds. I find myself a member in this group. I need to lose a LOT to be at goal. I could lose 60 and be a healthier version of myself but damn it, I want my old body back! Heck, each ten pounds will bring me a more healthy me. I especially love to see the before, during and after pictures of the people on there. I want to be there with my after picture at goal! I want this so badly. I could diet and exercise again and have it fail.
The band will force me to choose wisely the portions and foods I put into my mouth. I will have an embarrassing and somewhat painful consequence if I do not. That is the TOOL part of the band that I think I need and know I want. I want to look back in a year’s time to find I have lost the weight and succeeded. What is the difference this time? It won’t come back if I follow the rules. OR, I should write, it shouldn’t be as easy for it to come back. There is cheating possible with the band. I hope I know myself to be dedicated to the band enough to not cheat. I cannot fathom putting myself under anesthesia for no good reason.
I LOVE The Biggest Loser. I don’t like some of the more denigrating challenges they make them perform on the show but I do love the outcomes. They are PROOF that it can happen. They aren’t proof though that they are successful a year out. A number of the contestants have regained some weight. That’s what the numbers say in the research. Over 90% of people will regain their lost weight. Many regain the lost weight PLUS more. It’s a vicious cycle. I also have loved every time Oprah had lost weight. I remember the time she carted out the equivalent of her weight loss in a red wagon and unveiled her new body wearing her skinny jeans. We then learned it was a strict liquid only diet that imo is very dangerous. I often said that I too could lose 60 pounds if I had a trainer to wake me up every morning and feed me the correct portion of the allowed foods and to NEVER go to get a second bowl of spaghetti etc. I could do it to if I had Jillian there to kick my ass every day for four hours a day in the gym. Man, sound like poor excuses…..shit!
I have had trainers, about 6 of them. They work great, then I go to SC or back to NJ or have a surgery(more on those another time...)
I know they are excuses. I know that it’s been almost two hours penning this journal entry and you know what? I could have been walking for those two hours huh? I have Ojon oil on my hair; it’s in a towel getting conditioned. I am in my pajamas and am not budging. So there!
More later, I’m sure I’ll think of something to add.