So I am not working today. I love my schedule!
I get a cellphone call from a number I do not recognize.
We were told that the tread would come today. Was it them?
Yep! The freight hauler was lost in our development.
It is easy to do. The name of our street is not the same as our address. It's weird.
I talk him through a few directions and he's hesitant to make a turn into the development. Uhm don't they have school for driving the "big rigs"?
BF is outside in the cold waving him down.
I said to slip the guy a $20 to have him help bring it up the stairs.
"I'm not supposed to" the delivery dude said. He changed his mind. I guess we should have offered him more?
There was NOWAY BF would have been able to bring it up by himself.
The box is easily 6 feet tall by 3 feet wide and reads WEIGHS 215 pounds. It is dead weight and watchign them bring it up the stairs was rather amusing.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Friday, January 25, 2008
It's coming!
Treaddy is coming Monday!
I don't know if I will be home.
Sure hope no one takes it from outside the door.
I doubt anyone would haul that thing away.
Can't wait.
Haveto get a piece of remnant carpet down for floor protection.
I don't know if I will be home.
Sure hope no one takes it from outside the door.
I doubt anyone would haul that thing away.
Can't wait.
Haveto get a piece of remnant carpet down for floor protection.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
The nerve of little boys! and Before pics...NOT!
Ok, so 3:30 p.m. comes along and the skaters appear.....Trying to be calm, after all "THEY ARE KIDS"!
Did I imagine it? Nah, couldn't be, could it?
They are in MY DRIVEWAY and my truck is in my driveway.
I open the door and some little punk is standing there. I ask what he was doing. He shrugs and says "nuthin'". Then I said, get off my property please. He steps ontp my lawn and gets on a cellphone.
I go to the end of the driveway and hail the boys(about 10 of them). I say "this is very disrepectful, please stay out of the driveway when there are cars here". "If one of your boards gets away from you there could be damage". They yeah yeah'd me.
I was surprisingly calm, for me. I also did NOT want to be THAT neighbor...and also did not want any reprocussions down the road.
I came into the house steaming. I tried to think about how to appeal to these little shits.
I went out about an hour later and gathered them around again.
I told them that if they got their parents permission I would take some action shots of them skating. They all said OK.
We'll see.
Preteens should be sent to another planet until they learn sense and respect.
Perhaps I should accidently run over one of them.
I have been taking many many self portraits. I have never liked to have my photo taken. It's a shame because the few that have been taken I have liked and there aren't that many.
Thin or fat, I see a camera, I avoid it. It's been very hard to force myself to take photos now.
I want them for the Afters.
I want a record of this journey. I need it.
I don't think I am in a place where I can share them.
I still don't see the me that is in those pictures.
It's a very harsh realization. Essential, but hard.
Did I imagine it? Nah, couldn't be, could it?
They are in MY DRIVEWAY and my truck is in my driveway.
I open the door and some little punk is standing there. I ask what he was doing. He shrugs and says "nuthin'". Then I said, get off my property please. He steps ontp my lawn and gets on a cellphone.
I go to the end of the driveway and hail the boys(about 10 of them). I say "this is very disrepectful, please stay out of the driveway when there are cars here". "If one of your boards gets away from you there could be damage". They yeah yeah'd me.
I was surprisingly calm, for me. I also did NOT want to be THAT neighbor...and also did not want any reprocussions down the road.
I came into the house steaming. I tried to think about how to appeal to these little shits.
I went out about an hour later and gathered them around again.
I told them that if they got their parents permission I would take some action shots of them skating. They all said OK.
We'll see.
Preteens should be sent to another planet until they learn sense and respect.
Perhaps I should accidently run over one of them.
I have been taking many many self portraits. I have never liked to have my photo taken. It's a shame because the few that have been taken I have liked and there aren't that many.
Thin or fat, I see a camera, I avoid it. It's been very hard to force myself to take photos now.
I want them for the Afters.
I want a record of this journey. I need it.
I don't think I am in a place where I can share them.
I still don't see the me that is in those pictures.
It's a very harsh realization. Essential, but hard.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Freeeezing! and skaters!
Man, it is cold!
I know, I know, it's JANUARY!
I hate the cold. To think I almost moved to Alaska for a job in the early 90's.
I remember them sending a video of life around Denali. In the video they showed school children playing outside and mentioned "the kids don't go outside during recess unless it is over 19 BELOW zero".
Afterall, it's a dry cold!
HA!
Still waiting for the treadmill.
Have walked outside but truthfully it has been to the mailbox and back. Too cold!
Ok, I do NOT want to be "THAT NEIGHBOR" but 3p.m. and I hear roaring, whooting, and rolling outside. The neighborhood kids have apparently set up a skateboarding ramp, in the street, just outside my driveway! Aside from the noise, which I can tolerate, they are falling off the boards and when they come crashing into my truck, or onto my property I will have to shove a skateboard up some tush!
It's not bad enough they are close enough to bother me, they are using my absent neighbors' driveway to get their momentum. Now who is responsible when the little punks get hurt in their driveway?
There is a play area PLUSWHICH the kids have a common area BEHIND their townhomes.
Man, I'm getting grumpy.
I know, I know, it's JANUARY!
I hate the cold. To think I almost moved to Alaska for a job in the early 90's.
I remember them sending a video of life around Denali. In the video they showed school children playing outside and mentioned "the kids don't go outside during recess unless it is over 19 BELOW zero".
Afterall, it's a dry cold!
HA!
Still waiting for the treadmill.
Have walked outside but truthfully it has been to the mailbox and back. Too cold!
Ok, I do NOT want to be "THAT NEIGHBOR" but 3p.m. and I hear roaring, whooting, and rolling outside. The neighborhood kids have apparently set up a skateboarding ramp, in the street, just outside my driveway! Aside from the noise, which I can tolerate, they are falling off the boards and when they come crashing into my truck, or onto my property I will have to shove a skateboard up some tush!
It's not bad enough they are close enough to bother me, they are using my absent neighbors' driveway to get their momentum. Now who is responsible when the little punks get hurt in their driveway?
There is a play area PLUSWHICH the kids have a common area BEHIND their townhomes.
Man, I'm getting grumpy.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Home Gym makeover
Woohooo.
Just ordered a new treadmill.
We are rearranging a room and will put it up in there.
Between the gym and working out at home I prefer home.
The new one has a SD card with it. It is preprogrammed with workouts designed for weightloss.
I'm excited.
Just ordered a new treadmill.
We are rearranging a room and will put it up in there.
Between the gym and working out at home I prefer home.
The new one has a SD card with it. It is preprogrammed with workouts designed for weightloss.
I'm excited.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Come on now!
I cannot answer my cellphone for most of the day. I am usually scrubbed in surgery and don't like to attach the phone to my body. My crappy service sometimes doesn't deliver voicemail for hours sometimes a day after the caller leaves a message!
This morning I hear the audible tone for a voicemail message being sent. It was from YESTERDAY! It was my surgeons office. They noted they saw I had an appointment with them for Friday but that my insurance required a 6 month diet history supervised by my doctor! What crap. I have never followed a Dr.s formal diet. I have no idea what this means as far as not getting the band. The office manager also stated that Doc will answer my questions Friday and they can get the ball rolling. I feel defeated. Perhaps it's a sign.
This morning I hear the audible tone for a voicemail message being sent. It was from YESTERDAY! It was my surgeons office. They noted they saw I had an appointment with them for Friday but that my insurance required a 6 month diet history supervised by my doctor! What crap. I have never followed a Dr.s formal diet. I have no idea what this means as far as not getting the band. The office manager also stated that Doc will answer my questions Friday and they can get the ball rolling. I feel defeated. Perhaps it's a sign.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Co morbidities
1/8/2008 7:25 PM
Co morbidities
Ahh, where do I start?
To date I have; high blood pressure, sore joints, plantar fasciitis, calcaneal fracture, fatigue, hypothyroidism, PCOS. Oh, and gallbladder disease.
My back pain has bothered me for several years. There were days I needed lots of time to be able to straighten up in the morning. There were some times I had to sleep on my back with several pillows under my knees for support. There were times my back hurt so bad I didn’t go to work. In my youth, and until 10 years ago(hmmm…see a pattern??), I owned,trained and rode horses. Any rider will tell you that it also means I have fallen off of horses for years!! I’m sure I hurt my back in one or many of any of the falls. It didn’t help that I have been losing and gaining weight for so long. A decade is a long freaking time.
I have been up 20, down 50, up 50, down 10..over and over again only to land about 60 pounds from where I should be.
In 2003 I became a Massage Therapist. Upon completion of my education I intended on fixing my back. The pain had gotten so bad that I was put on temporary disability. I had an MRI confirm I had two herniated discs. I had PT for 10 weeks. I had meds to use if needed – Percocet and muscle relaxers. I was going to the Chiro but only found that to be frustrating.
I returned to work in the OR but have a reduced schedule. It helps to have a break in the week but my back still runs about a 7 on the 1-10 pain scale. 7 is much better than the 10 (where it used to be for days at a time).
I stretch and get massages often. I work on my feet all the time. If I am in the OR I am standing on a cement floor for hours at a time.
The floors have probably contributed, along with my ever climbing weight to my foot pain/plantar fasciitis and fracture. I have had several steroid injections in my heel. NOT fun! I perform therapy on my own feet. I can resolve the pain in my left foot but not the right. The foot pain has left me off work for a week straight. That scared me because I do not like living on reduced wages. Thank goodness I have great insurance.
Oddly enough there are a few other hospitals where I work and the floor doesn't bother me.
In SC, I never have foot pain (form work).
For as long as I can remember I have had “tummy trouble”, rumbles, pain and diarrhea after eating. There definitely are trigger foods but more or less it happened all of the time after eating. I remember always just rubbing my right side….and “getting over it”. This “rub it away” pain was intense but it would subside after about 20 minutes. One afternoon I was scrubbing in a case and got the pain. I started perspiring a lot. I must have been wearing the pain on my face because my circulator was worried about me. She asked me if I wanted to break (leave the sterile area/room), that she would get someone to relieve me. “Nah” I said, “I’ll be ok in a bit”. A coworker came into my room and asked if I was ok and if I wanted to finish the case. “I’m ok” I said again. When the case was over I put my instruments away and asked the nurses in recovery to take my pressure because I felt wrong. I had the tummy pain but it was moving to the center of my chest. “GREAT” I thought, “I must be having a heart attack”. My pressure was 200/100. The recovery room nurse manager told me to go to the ER. I didn’t want to. She was very insistent. I told her that my Dr. is on my way home and that I would promise to go there. She called the Dr. to more or less force me to go to his office. I went. He saw me, took vitals and asked me if I wanted him to call an ambulance! I drove myself to the ER (about 2 miles) and was admitted. That was on a Friday. I had my LapChole on Saturday morning. I had a 2cm X 2cm stone.
Having been followed for hypothyroidism for nearly 13 years I go to the Dr. about 4 times a year for bloodwork and meds. I have never had especially high blood pressure. It ran about 126/85. Not that bad for a chubby gal. After the gallbladder attack and removal I had VERY high blood pressure. Upon my return to work after the operation (6 weeks) I ran very high BP. It lingered at 190/95 ish. I was put on Lopressor 100mg twice a day. With meds I linger about 130/83. I would like to get OFF of the meds.
I started an administrative position at a hospital in 1993. I had great insurance and went to the doctor. I wanted a regular check up and talk about getting an appointment with a nutritionist. I wanted to lose about 25 pounds but wanted to do it in a monitored and sane way. In filling out the health questionnaire I wrote that I had either gained or lost more than 50 pounds in the last 2 years. YES. I then had some routine bloodwork done and found that my TSH was astronomical. Not really knowing what a high TSH level was I was at first confused. HIGH? Then why am I getting fatter? Apparently the higher your TSH, the less your thyroid is working. AHA! Ok, WOW, this could be good. I can get leveled and then I will be able to shed the pounds no problem at all. Finally I had an answer. No one told me it can take months of meds adjustment until you find the right level. It took about 8 months. I don’t remember what that level was but I am now, nearly 15 year later, taking .175 mg/day of Synthroid. Another med! I remember losing about 19 pounds but it just crept back on again.
The PCOS was diagnosed by my endocrinologist who I recruited as my PMD because I loved his approach to healthcare and finally felt heard by a doctor. I was put on glucophage to help with insulin resistance which pairs up with PCOS. I had some but not all of the symptoms of PCOS. Apparently it affects your fertility (HELLO), can give you lethargy, malaise, and a whole host of other ailments. I had a lot of the laundry list. The glucophage has horrible side effects for some people and of course if it involves tummy trouble, I am part of the SOME PEOPLE. I had the poopaloopas for EVER! I gave the medicine a good 6 months before I asked to be taken off of it. I lost about 10 pounds but yet again..creep creep creep. I lost my endo as my PMD because he switched his practice to only take peds. I found another Medical Doctor.
Both the PCOS and the hypothyroid definitely make weight loss a bit harder but in no way make it impossible.
I was at about ten pounds over my comfortable weight in the mid to late 90's. By 1998 I had gained 60+ pounds with the pregnancy. Been cycling ever since.
I can understand about 6 months of weight gain or stall back then. Afterall I was a nutcase. I'm a little amazed that I even survived.
If there is anythingn I can thank Michael for it is being there for me then, even though we weren't "together".
My hope is that with the band I will be able to get off of the blood pressure medicine. I can heal my foot pain; I can have a pain free back.
In one season of TBL I remember one male contestant who had lost a lot of weight. His wife hugged him and asked about his asthma. “Gone” he said, “Gone”. I know in my head that a lot of my “maladies” can be erased once the weight is off, I just can’t wait!!
Co morbidities
Ahh, where do I start?
To date I have; high blood pressure, sore joints, plantar fasciitis, calcaneal fracture, fatigue, hypothyroidism, PCOS. Oh, and gallbladder disease.
My back pain has bothered me for several years. There were days I needed lots of time to be able to straighten up in the morning. There were some times I had to sleep on my back with several pillows under my knees for support. There were times my back hurt so bad I didn’t go to work. In my youth, and until 10 years ago(hmmm…see a pattern??), I owned,trained and rode horses. Any rider will tell you that it also means I have fallen off of horses for years!! I’m sure I hurt my back in one or many of any of the falls. It didn’t help that I have been losing and gaining weight for so long. A decade is a long freaking time.
I have been up 20, down 50, up 50, down 10..over and over again only to land about 60 pounds from where I should be.
In 2003 I became a Massage Therapist. Upon completion of my education I intended on fixing my back. The pain had gotten so bad that I was put on temporary disability. I had an MRI confirm I had two herniated discs. I had PT for 10 weeks. I had meds to use if needed – Percocet and muscle relaxers. I was going to the Chiro but only found that to be frustrating.
I returned to work in the OR but have a reduced schedule. It helps to have a break in the week but my back still runs about a 7 on the 1-10 pain scale. 7 is much better than the 10 (where it used to be for days at a time).
I stretch and get massages often. I work on my feet all the time. If I am in the OR I am standing on a cement floor for hours at a time.
The floors have probably contributed, along with my ever climbing weight to my foot pain/plantar fasciitis and fracture. I have had several steroid injections in my heel. NOT fun! I perform therapy on my own feet. I can resolve the pain in my left foot but not the right. The foot pain has left me off work for a week straight. That scared me because I do not like living on reduced wages. Thank goodness I have great insurance.
Oddly enough there are a few other hospitals where I work and the floor doesn't bother me.
In SC, I never have foot pain (form work).
For as long as I can remember I have had “tummy trouble”, rumbles, pain and diarrhea after eating. There definitely are trigger foods but more or less it happened all of the time after eating. I remember always just rubbing my right side….and “getting over it”. This “rub it away” pain was intense but it would subside after about 20 minutes. One afternoon I was scrubbing in a case and got the pain. I started perspiring a lot. I must have been wearing the pain on my face because my circulator was worried about me. She asked me if I wanted to break (leave the sterile area/room), that she would get someone to relieve me. “Nah” I said, “I’ll be ok in a bit”. A coworker came into my room and asked if I was ok and if I wanted to finish the case. “I’m ok” I said again. When the case was over I put my instruments away and asked the nurses in recovery to take my pressure because I felt wrong. I had the tummy pain but it was moving to the center of my chest. “GREAT” I thought, “I must be having a heart attack”. My pressure was 200/100. The recovery room nurse manager told me to go to the ER. I didn’t want to. She was very insistent. I told her that my Dr. is on my way home and that I would promise to go there. She called the Dr. to more or less force me to go to his office. I went. He saw me, took vitals and asked me if I wanted him to call an ambulance! I drove myself to the ER (about 2 miles) and was admitted. That was on a Friday. I had my LapChole on Saturday morning. I had a 2cm X 2cm stone.
Having been followed for hypothyroidism for nearly 13 years I go to the Dr. about 4 times a year for bloodwork and meds. I have never had especially high blood pressure. It ran about 126/85. Not that bad for a chubby gal. After the gallbladder attack and removal I had VERY high blood pressure. Upon my return to work after the operation (6 weeks) I ran very high BP. It lingered at 190/95 ish. I was put on Lopressor 100mg twice a day. With meds I linger about 130/83. I would like to get OFF of the meds.
I started an administrative position at a hospital in 1993. I had great insurance and went to the doctor. I wanted a regular check up and talk about getting an appointment with a nutritionist. I wanted to lose about 25 pounds but wanted to do it in a monitored and sane way. In filling out the health questionnaire I wrote that I had either gained or lost more than 50 pounds in the last 2 years. YES. I then had some routine bloodwork done and found that my TSH was astronomical. Not really knowing what a high TSH level was I was at first confused. HIGH? Then why am I getting fatter? Apparently the higher your TSH, the less your thyroid is working. AHA! Ok, WOW, this could be good. I can get leveled and then I will be able to shed the pounds no problem at all. Finally I had an answer. No one told me it can take months of meds adjustment until you find the right level. It took about 8 months. I don’t remember what that level was but I am now, nearly 15 year later, taking .175 mg/day of Synthroid. Another med! I remember losing about 19 pounds but it just crept back on again.
The PCOS was diagnosed by my endocrinologist who I recruited as my PMD because I loved his approach to healthcare and finally felt heard by a doctor. I was put on glucophage to help with insulin resistance which pairs up with PCOS. I had some but not all of the symptoms of PCOS. Apparently it affects your fertility (HELLO), can give you lethargy, malaise, and a whole host of other ailments. I had a lot of the laundry list. The glucophage has horrible side effects for some people and of course if it involves tummy trouble, I am part of the SOME PEOPLE. I had the poopaloopas for EVER! I gave the medicine a good 6 months before I asked to be taken off of it. I lost about 10 pounds but yet again..creep creep creep. I lost my endo as my PMD because he switched his practice to only take peds. I found another Medical Doctor.
Both the PCOS and the hypothyroid definitely make weight loss a bit harder but in no way make it impossible.
I was at about ten pounds over my comfortable weight in the mid to late 90's. By 1998 I had gained 60+ pounds with the pregnancy. Been cycling ever since.
I can understand about 6 months of weight gain or stall back then. Afterall I was a nutcase. I'm a little amazed that I even survived.
If there is anythingn I can thank Michael for it is being there for me then, even though we weren't "together".
My hope is that with the band I will be able to get off of the blood pressure medicine. I can heal my foot pain; I can have a pain free back.
In one season of TBL I remember one male contestant who had lost a lot of weight. His wife hugged him and asked about his asthma. “Gone” he said, “Gone”. I know in my head that a lot of my “maladies” can be erased once the weight is off, I just can’t wait!!
Saturday, January 5, 2008
First Entry
1/5/2008 8:42:32 PM
It’s a Saturday night. I am starting this journal, yet another one, to chronicle the road towards a healthier ME!
I am writing this because of what I am reading at online forums. Many, many people have the same questions I have. Many people have walked in my shoes. I know it seems sometimes as if no one understands but I am seeing that there are many hundreds if not thousands of people who know where I am coming from. Without judgment they offer answers. I hope that if I chronicle this journey, I can answer some questions for someone.
I am contemplating getting the LapBand©. It is a silicone implant with an injection port attached. It is attached circumferentially around the upper portion of the stomach. It is sutured with two stay sutures to prevent slippage. The port is to be filled anywhere from time of surgery – 6 weeks post –op. The ports come in varying sizes and capacities. After healing, unless partially filled during surgery, the port is located via palpation or under fluoroscopy. It is then filled with a sterile saline solution. Increments can be as small as .1cc.
I have been doing a fair amount of research on the subject. I am reading the major manufacturers websites as well as some WLS online forums. Obesityhelp and Lapbandtalk are two which I read daily. The members on the forums are former, current and future patients wanting the lapband surgery. There are both pro and con views on the procedure. The majority of the forum is positive. The negatives are also posted, mainly complications which can range from port flipping to slippage of the stomach into up over the banded location to erosion. I, being a surgical technician, fully understand all of the complications and risks associated with the Lapband surgery and aftercare.
My journey starts almost 30 years ago. I wasn't the chubby kid, but I remember always not being happy with my weight. I always played and ran around as a kid so I don’t see that I led an obese lifestyle until about a decade later. I had a baby at the age of 17. I gained over 60 pounds with that pregnancy. I remember the scale showing 205 and I was totally freaked out by that number but figured it would just come off after delivery. Boy was I wrong. I know and remember that I had lost a significant amount of weight but was never truly down to my fittest and comfortable weight again. That comfort range for me at 5’4” was 140 lbs. Hate to say it but at that weight I thought I was a whale. I know I was always trying to lose weight thru various diets (all home made) or exercise. Some worked, others didn’t. I don’t remember ever being content with my weight after that point. I had moments of feeling like I looked ok, but never satisfied because the numbers never flirted with 140’s again. My lowest weight numbers were hovering in the low 150’s.
I had been in and out of college working to some degree, any degree several times. I have memory of wearing jeans so I was in “normal” sizes (not plus sized). I’m guessing the size was 12. I have no recollection of the weight associated with that size. The numbers have since changed apparently. I remember having my teenaged daughter try on one of my size 8 cords. They fit her but she was a 4 or a 6 at the time. Now why would clothes companies do that? To make a “normal” sized 8 girl think she was better because her tag would now read 4?
1997-8 I know I was in plus sized clothing stores because I needed new maternity clothes. I had lots of black dress pants. They were anywhere from 14W – 16W. I haven’t ever been able to shop in a normal sized store again. The last 8 years I experienced the biggest weight gain of all. I know this because I started working in the OR in 2000 and I wore an M or L scrubs. I now have X sometimes 2X. Wearing scrubs has its benefits. It also has its drawbacks. They are string waisted and adjustability is a fat girl’s WORST enemy. Any dress clothes I have had to buy over the last 8 years range from 14W to 18W (which can be TIGHT).
A little history on my thinking about WLS. In 2000 I started working as a certified surgical technician. It was and is a very interesting job. I love it. I started working on the obesity surgeries often. I was scrubbing on the Roux-en-Y and Gastric Bypass surgeries. At that time we were doing them “open” and not lapraoscopy. They now are being done laparoscopicly when appropriate at my hospital. I observed that most of our patients were morbidly obese. (Mind you, I am technically obese too). Our patients were easily in the 300,400 and 500+ pound range. A weight I knew I surely would never attain. I am not there but am awfully close (50 lbs). I thought I wouldn’t be a candidate for the surgery. I asked a few times of the surgeons I worked with if I was and they calculated my BMI and said I was but to think it over. They weren’t trying to dissuade me because they didn’t believe in the surgery they were tying to save me the recovery time etc. I put the thought out of my mind. That was anywhere from 4-5 years ago. The thought flashed through my head again briefly because I personally know three women who had WLS. I work with them. I see their progress and struggles. In my family there are also two people who have contemplated WLS. One had the Gastric Bypass and one could not get surgery. Of the 4 who I know had the surgery (either GB or RY), three say they are content and would do it again, one wishes she never did. Two of them have daily trouble in the bathroom department. I didn’t want those kinds of troubles as I have them slightly now due to something called post cholecystecomy syndrome. When I first heard about the “band” I only heard bad things about it. Erosions and failures and band “cheaters” are all I heard about. I quickly put it out of my head. Presently I am still waffling daily on whether or not to get the band but I feel strongly that I should. I am a thorough researcher (it takes me a YEAR to buy a new car) so hopefully I will have all my ducks in a row the day of surgery.
In looking seriously at Lapband surgery I have done a few things. I have started logging food intake into a website called Sparkpeople. Ask any “chubby” and they can design a banging nutritional diet and work out program. I knew WHAT to eat and WHAT to do for working out but apparently I wasn’t doing any of it right. I KNOW what to eat, and thought I was doing ok but my proportions were OUT of control. My boyfriend and I can polish off nearly a whole box of spaghetti. It SHOULD feed 4-5 people. I don’t have one piece of buttered Italian bread, I have 2. Even the healthy foods I ate too much of. I didn’t have a cup or two of watermelon in the summertime; I had the equivalent of 4 servings. Two bananas, two packets of oatmeal, even two slimfasts when I tried them. I ate too fast and didn’t give my stomach the TIME it needed to tell my brain that WHOA…ok, I’ve had enough. For beverage, I don’t have caloric beverages aside form watered down OJ once in a blue moon. I drink water, CrystaLite and Diet Coke. I fully admit that I am a Diet Coke addict. The Diet Coke is something I HAVE to work on because after the band, carbonated beverages are off limits. Logging my foods has been a real eye opener. I have tried to eat as if I had the band. I take (or try to-after the band this won’t be a choice) small bites and chew chew chew to liquefy then swallow. I am trying to cut down on my bread intake – another no-no for banders. I am drinking a protein and water beverage for breakfast. The Unjury brand is quite tasty. I am going to try several brands until I find some which are tolerable. I will be on protein drinks for several weeks after surgery and as a protein supplement as needed. I have in my cupboard a brand from Andrew Lessman. It is a soy based protein meal replacement but it gives me tummy trouble. It is there if I run out. I will take photos to add to this journal. I have avoided pictures for too long. I never liked having my picture taken though, even when I am thin. I think I am attractive, just rather shy.
Now the reasons for me being over 200 pounds I do not know. I have thought on them, tried to identify them to no avail. I have tried dozens of diets. I’ve joined several different gyms, and even WENT to them. I have fasted, eaten high protein, low carb, very low calorie diets, liquid diets, low fat, high fat, cabbage soup, cayenne lemonade. I have tried too many. Some work, some I get sick of, literally. Many just frustrate me into failure, yet again. I wasn’t beaten by my parents (only lived with one after age 6 or so). I was the victim of an abusive sibling but I cannot in anyway associate that with my not losing weight. I was a child of divorce when divorce wasn’t talked about openly. I know I was angry about that as a kid but again, why would it make me fat? I have my own individual view on religion. It changes as I get older. I was raised a Catholic but in name only. My mother never came to church. I went to church less then regularly with an older teen who would accompany me. I went to Catholic high school, again, only because it was a better school to attend than the one I was zoned for. The older I get the less I believe in a single deity. I KNOW in my heart that there is something “out there”. There has to be I just don’t think it is an old white dude with a white flowing robe (no offense really, these are just my views). I do believe in a “source” if you will. Be it electrical or otherwise. I am fascinated in science and physics and Chemistry especially. Break anything down to its simplest components and you have positive and negative ENERGY…….that’s it. Atoms, sub atomic particles, neutrinos, strings etc…..it’s amazing. Then again, I do revere the miracle that is life itself. An infant, a giant redwood tree, a virus all are magnificent and cause me great wonder as to their creation and existence. WOW, deep huh? Then there’s the Platypus. What God would do that? (A joke people, relax). I find myself a conservative. I do remember thinking (as a teen) that prisoners shouldn’t have as many amenities as they had, I thought that innocuous drugs should never be legalized. They were a gateway to more bad behavior. I disliked drinking and drug use. I hated liars and cheats. I still hold many of these beliefs. I first registered as a Democrat only because that’s what my mother did and I knew no better. It didn’t matter to me. I became more interested in world affairs after the Rodney King beatings and subsequent disregard to the law shown in the days after the verdict and the rioting. I started listening to Far right Conservative radio and despite thinking they were almost as nutty as the wacky lefties, I agreed with much of the underlying tone. I am now a registered Republican but do not vote strictly party, I promise. I vote in each issue dependant on my research. I have to admit that in some elections I have had to vote for the lesser of two evils. I tend to vote right of center but slightly more independent of my Radical Righty party peeps. I work hard, always have. I just was able to buy my first home two years ago. I make a good enough living but would like to make more. I am also a massage therapist and have been on a transplant team. There is more to be said about the job(s) and the house but I’ll get to that another time.
So, my religion, childhood, political persuasions do not explain why I have not been able to lose weight. I find that I am lazy when it comes to staying with any new venture. I try things for about a month before they become tedious, or not as important. I know I do NOT want to be unhealthy. I used to run for Gods sake ( a LOT) and LIKED it. I’d like to fit comfortably in stylish clothes again. I’d like to not have my necklaces and bracelets fit tightly. I’d like to be able to run again. I’d like to be able to ride again. I have ridden horses all of my life from age 4-5(memory of my dad and I riding) up until about 8 years ago.
Man, I do see a pattern though, everything seemed to go to shit 8 years ago. Eeek, I have been in a relationship for 8 years and almost 2 months. I met him in 1999. Moved in with him in 2001(the week of 9/11 no less). I have the clothes I wore from our first date. It was a burgundy moleskin big shirt over a pair of 10!! Black slacks. I can’t even get my arm in that shirt now. We have had our ups and downs, good and bad times. Really good and really bad mind you. Nothing there should make me not succeed though. He was been here through my Nutrisystem© deliveries, Slimfast© (the Costco© equivalent), Weight Watchers©. We even had ZoneChefs© food delivered for two weeks. He’s been with me to the gym. He’s walked with me etc. He used to be a marathon runner, now couch potato although not fat. He could lose about 10 pounds to be at his ideal weight. He’s fluctuated up and down by 25 pounds in our time together. There were bouts of unemployment that added to that struggle for him I am sure.
The stories of the people who had LBS are so inspiring. Many have needed to lose over a hundred pounds. I find myself a member in this group. I need to lose a LOT to be at goal. I could lose 60 and be a healthier version of myself but damn it, I want my old body back! Heck, each ten pounds will bring me a more healthy me. I especially love to see the before, during and after pictures of the people on there. I want to be there with my after picture at goal! I want this so badly. I could diet and exercise again and have it fail.
The band will force me to choose wisely the portions and foods I put into my mouth. I will have an embarrassing and somewhat painful consequence if I do not. That is the TOOL part of the band that I think I need and know I want. I want to look back in a year’s time to find I have lost the weight and succeeded. What is the difference this time? It won’t come back if I follow the rules. OR, I should write, it shouldn’t be as easy for it to come back. There is cheating possible with the band. I hope I know myself to be dedicated to the band enough to not cheat. I cannot fathom putting myself under anesthesia for no good reason.
I LOVE The Biggest Loser. I don’t like some of the more denigrating challenges they make them perform on the show but I do love the outcomes. They are PROOF that it can happen. They aren’t proof though that they are successful a year out. A number of the contestants have regained some weight. That’s what the numbers say in the research. Over 90% of people will regain their lost weight. Many regain the lost weight PLUS more. It’s a vicious cycle. I also have loved every time Oprah had lost weight. I remember the time she carted out the equivalent of her weight loss in a red wagon and unveiled her new body wearing her skinny jeans. We then learned it was a strict liquid only diet that imo is very dangerous. I often said that I too could lose 60 pounds if I had a trainer to wake me up every morning and feed me the correct portion of the allowed foods and to NEVER go to get a second bowl of spaghetti etc. I could do it to if I had Jillian there to kick my ass every day for four hours a day in the gym. Man, sound like poor excuses…..shit!
I have had trainers, about 6 of them. They work great, then I go to SC or back to NJ or have a surgery(more on those another time...)
I know they are excuses. I know that it’s been almost two hours penning this journal entry and you know what? I could have been walking for those two hours huh? I have Ojon oil on my hair; it’s in a towel getting conditioned. I am in my pajamas and am not budging. So there!
More later, I’m sure I’ll think of something to add.
It’s a Saturday night. I am starting this journal, yet another one, to chronicle the road towards a healthier ME!
I am writing this because of what I am reading at online forums. Many, many people have the same questions I have. Many people have walked in my shoes. I know it seems sometimes as if no one understands but I am seeing that there are many hundreds if not thousands of people who know where I am coming from. Without judgment they offer answers. I hope that if I chronicle this journey, I can answer some questions for someone.
I am contemplating getting the LapBand©. It is a silicone implant with an injection port attached. It is attached circumferentially around the upper portion of the stomach. It is sutured with two stay sutures to prevent slippage. The port is to be filled anywhere from time of surgery – 6 weeks post –op. The ports come in varying sizes and capacities. After healing, unless partially filled during surgery, the port is located via palpation or under fluoroscopy. It is then filled with a sterile saline solution. Increments can be as small as .1cc.
I have been doing a fair amount of research on the subject. I am reading the major manufacturers websites as well as some WLS online forums. Obesityhelp and Lapbandtalk are two which I read daily. The members on the forums are former, current and future patients wanting the lapband surgery. There are both pro and con views on the procedure. The majority of the forum is positive. The negatives are also posted, mainly complications which can range from port flipping to slippage of the stomach into up over the banded location to erosion. I, being a surgical technician, fully understand all of the complications and risks associated with the Lapband surgery and aftercare.
My journey starts almost 30 years ago. I wasn't the chubby kid, but I remember always not being happy with my weight. I always played and ran around as a kid so I don’t see that I led an obese lifestyle until about a decade later. I had a baby at the age of 17. I gained over 60 pounds with that pregnancy. I remember the scale showing 205 and I was totally freaked out by that number but figured it would just come off after delivery. Boy was I wrong. I know and remember that I had lost a significant amount of weight but was never truly down to my fittest and comfortable weight again. That comfort range for me at 5’4” was 140 lbs. Hate to say it but at that weight I thought I was a whale. I know I was always trying to lose weight thru various diets (all home made) or exercise. Some worked, others didn’t. I don’t remember ever being content with my weight after that point. I had moments of feeling like I looked ok, but never satisfied because the numbers never flirted with 140’s again. My lowest weight numbers were hovering in the low 150’s.
I had been in and out of college working to some degree, any degree several times. I have memory of wearing jeans so I was in “normal” sizes (not plus sized). I’m guessing the size was 12. I have no recollection of the weight associated with that size. The numbers have since changed apparently. I remember having my teenaged daughter try on one of my size 8 cords. They fit her but she was a 4 or a 6 at the time. Now why would clothes companies do that? To make a “normal” sized 8 girl think she was better because her tag would now read 4?
1997-8 I know I was in plus sized clothing stores because I needed new maternity clothes. I had lots of black dress pants. They were anywhere from 14W – 16W. I haven’t ever been able to shop in a normal sized store again. The last 8 years I experienced the biggest weight gain of all. I know this because I started working in the OR in 2000 and I wore an M or L scrubs. I now have X sometimes 2X. Wearing scrubs has its benefits. It also has its drawbacks. They are string waisted and adjustability is a fat girl’s WORST enemy. Any dress clothes I have had to buy over the last 8 years range from 14W to 18W (which can be TIGHT).
A little history on my thinking about WLS. In 2000 I started working as a certified surgical technician. It was and is a very interesting job. I love it. I started working on the obesity surgeries often. I was scrubbing on the Roux-en-Y and Gastric Bypass surgeries. At that time we were doing them “open” and not lapraoscopy. They now are being done laparoscopicly when appropriate at my hospital. I observed that most of our patients were morbidly obese. (Mind you, I am technically obese too). Our patients were easily in the 300,400 and 500+ pound range. A weight I knew I surely would never attain. I am not there but am awfully close (50 lbs). I thought I wouldn’t be a candidate for the surgery. I asked a few times of the surgeons I worked with if I was and they calculated my BMI and said I was but to think it over. They weren’t trying to dissuade me because they didn’t believe in the surgery they were tying to save me the recovery time etc. I put the thought out of my mind. That was anywhere from 4-5 years ago. The thought flashed through my head again briefly because I personally know three women who had WLS. I work with them. I see their progress and struggles. In my family there are also two people who have contemplated WLS. One had the Gastric Bypass and one could not get surgery. Of the 4 who I know had the surgery (either GB or RY), three say they are content and would do it again, one wishes she never did. Two of them have daily trouble in the bathroom department. I didn’t want those kinds of troubles as I have them slightly now due to something called post cholecystecomy syndrome. When I first heard about the “band” I only heard bad things about it. Erosions and failures and band “cheaters” are all I heard about. I quickly put it out of my head. Presently I am still waffling daily on whether or not to get the band but I feel strongly that I should. I am a thorough researcher (it takes me a YEAR to buy a new car) so hopefully I will have all my ducks in a row the day of surgery.
In looking seriously at Lapband surgery I have done a few things. I have started logging food intake into a website called Sparkpeople. Ask any “chubby” and they can design a banging nutritional diet and work out program. I knew WHAT to eat and WHAT to do for working out but apparently I wasn’t doing any of it right. I KNOW what to eat, and thought I was doing ok but my proportions were OUT of control. My boyfriend and I can polish off nearly a whole box of spaghetti. It SHOULD feed 4-5 people. I don’t have one piece of buttered Italian bread, I have 2. Even the healthy foods I ate too much of. I didn’t have a cup or two of watermelon in the summertime; I had the equivalent of 4 servings. Two bananas, two packets of oatmeal, even two slimfasts when I tried them. I ate too fast and didn’t give my stomach the TIME it needed to tell my brain that WHOA…ok, I’ve had enough. For beverage, I don’t have caloric beverages aside form watered down OJ once in a blue moon. I drink water, CrystaLite and Diet Coke. I fully admit that I am a Diet Coke addict. The Diet Coke is something I HAVE to work on because after the band, carbonated beverages are off limits. Logging my foods has been a real eye opener. I have tried to eat as if I had the band. I take (or try to-after the band this won’t be a choice) small bites and chew chew chew to liquefy then swallow. I am trying to cut down on my bread intake – another no-no for banders. I am drinking a protein and water beverage for breakfast. The Unjury brand is quite tasty. I am going to try several brands until I find some which are tolerable. I will be on protein drinks for several weeks after surgery and as a protein supplement as needed. I have in my cupboard a brand from Andrew Lessman. It is a soy based protein meal replacement but it gives me tummy trouble. It is there if I run out. I will take photos to add to this journal. I have avoided pictures for too long. I never liked having my picture taken though, even when I am thin. I think I am attractive, just rather shy.
Now the reasons for me being over 200 pounds I do not know. I have thought on them, tried to identify them to no avail. I have tried dozens of diets. I’ve joined several different gyms, and even WENT to them. I have fasted, eaten high protein, low carb, very low calorie diets, liquid diets, low fat, high fat, cabbage soup, cayenne lemonade. I have tried too many. Some work, some I get sick of, literally. Many just frustrate me into failure, yet again. I wasn’t beaten by my parents (only lived with one after age 6 or so). I was the victim of an abusive sibling but I cannot in anyway associate that with my not losing weight. I was a child of divorce when divorce wasn’t talked about openly. I know I was angry about that as a kid but again, why would it make me fat? I have my own individual view on religion. It changes as I get older. I was raised a Catholic but in name only. My mother never came to church. I went to church less then regularly with an older teen who would accompany me. I went to Catholic high school, again, only because it was a better school to attend than the one I was zoned for. The older I get the less I believe in a single deity. I KNOW in my heart that there is something “out there”. There has to be I just don’t think it is an old white dude with a white flowing robe (no offense really, these are just my views). I do believe in a “source” if you will. Be it electrical or otherwise. I am fascinated in science and physics and Chemistry especially. Break anything down to its simplest components and you have positive and negative ENERGY…….that’s it. Atoms, sub atomic particles, neutrinos, strings etc…..it’s amazing. Then again, I do revere the miracle that is life itself. An infant, a giant redwood tree, a virus all are magnificent and cause me great wonder as to their creation and existence. WOW, deep huh? Then there’s the Platypus. What God would do that? (A joke people, relax). I find myself a conservative. I do remember thinking (as a teen) that prisoners shouldn’t have as many amenities as they had, I thought that innocuous drugs should never be legalized. They were a gateway to more bad behavior. I disliked drinking and drug use. I hated liars and cheats. I still hold many of these beliefs. I first registered as a Democrat only because that’s what my mother did and I knew no better. It didn’t matter to me. I became more interested in world affairs after the Rodney King beatings and subsequent disregard to the law shown in the days after the verdict and the rioting. I started listening to Far right Conservative radio and despite thinking they were almost as nutty as the wacky lefties, I agreed with much of the underlying tone. I am now a registered Republican but do not vote strictly party, I promise. I vote in each issue dependant on my research. I have to admit that in some elections I have had to vote for the lesser of two evils. I tend to vote right of center but slightly more independent of my Radical Righty party peeps. I work hard, always have. I just was able to buy my first home two years ago. I make a good enough living but would like to make more. I am also a massage therapist and have been on a transplant team. There is more to be said about the job(s) and the house but I’ll get to that another time.
So, my religion, childhood, political persuasions do not explain why I have not been able to lose weight. I find that I am lazy when it comes to staying with any new venture. I try things for about a month before they become tedious, or not as important. I know I do NOT want to be unhealthy. I used to run for Gods sake ( a LOT) and LIKED it. I’d like to fit comfortably in stylish clothes again. I’d like to not have my necklaces and bracelets fit tightly. I’d like to be able to run again. I’d like to be able to ride again. I have ridden horses all of my life from age 4-5(memory of my dad and I riding) up until about 8 years ago.
Man, I do see a pattern though, everything seemed to go to shit 8 years ago. Eeek, I have been in a relationship for 8 years and almost 2 months. I met him in 1999. Moved in with him in 2001(the week of 9/11 no less). I have the clothes I wore from our first date. It was a burgundy moleskin big shirt over a pair of 10!! Black slacks. I can’t even get my arm in that shirt now. We have had our ups and downs, good and bad times. Really good and really bad mind you. Nothing there should make me not succeed though. He was been here through my Nutrisystem© deliveries, Slimfast© (the Costco© equivalent), Weight Watchers©. We even had ZoneChefs© food delivered for two weeks. He’s been with me to the gym. He’s walked with me etc. He used to be a marathon runner, now couch potato although not fat. He could lose about 10 pounds to be at his ideal weight. He’s fluctuated up and down by 25 pounds in our time together. There were bouts of unemployment that added to that struggle for him I am sure.
The stories of the people who had LBS are so inspiring. Many have needed to lose over a hundred pounds. I find myself a member in this group. I need to lose a LOT to be at goal. I could lose 60 and be a healthier version of myself but damn it, I want my old body back! Heck, each ten pounds will bring me a more healthy me. I especially love to see the before, during and after pictures of the people on there. I want to be there with my after picture at goal! I want this so badly. I could diet and exercise again and have it fail.
The band will force me to choose wisely the portions and foods I put into my mouth. I will have an embarrassing and somewhat painful consequence if I do not. That is the TOOL part of the band that I think I need and know I want. I want to look back in a year’s time to find I have lost the weight and succeeded. What is the difference this time? It won’t come back if I follow the rules. OR, I should write, it shouldn’t be as easy for it to come back. There is cheating possible with the band. I hope I know myself to be dedicated to the band enough to not cheat. I cannot fathom putting myself under anesthesia for no good reason.
I LOVE The Biggest Loser. I don’t like some of the more denigrating challenges they make them perform on the show but I do love the outcomes. They are PROOF that it can happen. They aren’t proof though that they are successful a year out. A number of the contestants have regained some weight. That’s what the numbers say in the research. Over 90% of people will regain their lost weight. Many regain the lost weight PLUS more. It’s a vicious cycle. I also have loved every time Oprah had lost weight. I remember the time she carted out the equivalent of her weight loss in a red wagon and unveiled her new body wearing her skinny jeans. We then learned it was a strict liquid only diet that imo is very dangerous. I often said that I too could lose 60 pounds if I had a trainer to wake me up every morning and feed me the correct portion of the allowed foods and to NEVER go to get a second bowl of spaghetti etc. I could do it to if I had Jillian there to kick my ass every day for four hours a day in the gym. Man, sound like poor excuses…..shit!
I have had trainers, about 6 of them. They work great, then I go to SC or back to NJ or have a surgery(more on those another time...)
I know they are excuses. I know that it’s been almost two hours penning this journal entry and you know what? I could have been walking for those two hours huh? I have Ojon oil on my hair; it’s in a towel getting conditioned. I am in my pajamas and am not budging. So there!
More later, I’m sure I’ll think of something to add.
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