"If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and
endeavors to live a life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success
unexpected in common hours."
Henry David Thoreau
The moon, although not full, sparked a pleasant memory tonight. I said to someone once in a past life....oh, about 11 years ago... Me: "I tell ya' what" Him: "What?" Me: "Look up" Him: "Okay, what am I looking for?" Me: "Look at the moon, can you see it?" Him: "Yeah, I see it" Me: "I see it too, see, we aren't that far away" Him: "Yeah"
Ahh to day was one of those days when everything just works. Woke up, made us a great healthy breakfast. Farted around reading email for about an hour then headed out with the camera and new tripod and shot loads of pictures. Princeton is lovely. I love walking around town people watching. It's prettiest in the Fall. Today wasn't as hot as it has been. The humidity here has been wicked. I suppose it is better than being South(which I will be in a few weeks). Summers in the South nearly kill me. When I am not working, I'll take it but when I am working and having to brave the heat....NOT GOOD!
Back to today. I got back from the shoot around 2p.m. I needed to get my walk/run in. Strapped up the Polar F11 HRM, threw on my Nike+ sneaks, grabbed the Ipod and went out. I keep forgetting to clip on my Omron Pedometer. Although I am tracking with Nike+ I like to see the steps displayed throughout the day. I am also in a walking group from WalkingSpree and the "tube". I intended on taking my normal route however today was so pretty I went further. Hey, I could stroll or sit down if it got to be too strenuous. Guess what?! It was GREAT! I even got in running at least once every 5 minutes. Been doing a lot of introspection lately with my contemplating Lapband. My battles with my doctor and my many appointment with sub specialists are providing me with "cause for pause".
Pause for Sestamibi and possible hypoparathyroidism Pause for a leaking ventricle and possible heart disease Pause for Stress Thallium Pause for Sleep studies and Cpap machines Pause for protein drinks and calorie restriction Pause for shin splints and sore ankles
My "whys" and "hows" are being redefined everyday with each new roadblock. Been thinking a lot about Randy Pausch, his dying and his "Last Lecture". I bough this book on CD (for my long drives) and a few copies of the book. It is small, 5x8 maybe, and is rough cut. The pages are "torn", not clean crisp edges. I'll give them as Christmas gifts. He wrote/said -- and others have said the same but it's worth repeating. "Brick walls (in this case my roadblocks) are there for a reason. They give us a chance to show how badly we want something."
In my seeking surgery I have, once again, recommitted to strive for a healthy lifestyle. I USED to eat well. I USED to exercise regularly. I USED to take the time for my hobbies. I USED to feel pretty great a lot.
I'm doing all of those things again. Not perfectly but I am doing them more often. Today, I was in the groove and it felt great.
Ok, so I liked the BSN Lean Dessert protein shakes. I had NOT thrown in frozen bananas in to the mixer! OMG! Ok, I have to put this into an ice cream maker. It truly tastes like ice cream!!
I LOVE when the postman leaves a package outside of my door. In searching for the perfect, or less revolting protein drink/shake I have been trialing many different brands. Today's DELICIOUS find is BSN Lean Dessert Whipped Vanilla Cream. Can you say WOW! I have to get more of this and fast!
Well.... Last year I was gifted a beautiful camera. It is the Canon 40D. It came along with two lenses. The whole kit, although exciting has become a little intimidating!! I was "into" photography way back a lifetime ago in highschool. We had a little darkroom and I had a tiny Minolta fixed lens camera. I loved everything about developing film and capturing my vision. Further learning beyond the basics fell by the wayside. Sad huh? In having this new camera in my life you can imagine I went shoot crazy!! Then came the photo editing. BTW, it being a DIGITAL SLR only made it better...or worse..lol for me! I have thousands of pics which I try to edit when I can. The winners....are kept on CD, an external HD and uploaded to the internet. I looked around for a new place to hold my pics online. I stumbled upon SMUGMUG and signed up for their FREE TRIAL. Fell in love with the site and quickly signed up permanently. Check it out, you'll be happy you did! Promise
...last week that is. What is it? The road to hell is paved with good intentions? Life is what happens to you while you are busy making plans? INTENDED on really pushing through the week and logging at least 15 miles. Wasn't I supposed to be running straight by now? I'm lucky if I do 1 minute intervals. What did I do in reality? 8, MAYBE. PLANNED on keeping strict on carbs(no, not eliminating them) and what did I do? BREAD, BREAD and more bread. What is it? Why is it? Who knows? I sure don't. Great news though, I get to try to do it again tomorrow. I GET to. That's the prize!
There are some who do not have tomorrow. The world said goodbye to Randy Pausch. Great man. I'm glad I heard about him. I'm glad I saw the Last Lecture.
This week WILL be a week of kicking ass though. I will call the Dr and surgeons offices and get the thing rolling!
Thought I wrote about this. The Pulmo appointment was last Tuesday. Now he is also a pain in the ass! I am, aside form being overweight, basically healthy. I breath fine, I can walk up a flight of stairs and not die. I exercise everyday. Why on Earth they WANT to find something, anything wrong I don't know. He has been an ass about the sleep study crap. Anyhow, I did my two sleep studies which he ordered. He said months ago he would then write my evaluation for me to give the surgeon. Nope! Another roadblock. His rules have now changed. Are they in cahoots? I wonder! He wants me to wear the CPAP machine for two months B E F O R E he will write the evaluation. WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? I sat there stunned! "I did the studies, I need the notes" Gives me a number, someone will be getting in touch with me about getting a machine (BTW, hasn't happened yet) Well, I go to the desk, and GET my copies of the sleep studies. I don't need anything more from him to submit. ALL OF THIS so far has just been to SUBMIT my shit to insurance for clearance. I'll worry about getting his notes and letter another time. I faxed the copies of the sleep studies to the surgeon. This has been a comedy of errors. And damned frustrating! I work in this industry. I can only imagine how frustrating it must be for someone with no medical background.
I went to both the Pulmo and my PMD last week. I have been so insensed I could not write about the experience clearly. Walked into another monthly visit which should have been my last. Should have walked out with a nice tidy little letter and a few copies of my progress notes from the last 6 months. Last visit (June) I gave her the outline letter the Bari surgeon wants. It is simple. List the 6 months weight, attach copies of 6 progress notes along with an evaluation/recommendation for LapBand. I gave her a month! I have been in the medical field for over 15 years. Seven of those years were behind the scenes dealing with patients charts and studies/audits. I KNOW it takes a few days to get everything together. When I gave her the sample letter-outline she said she could not do it "today". Got it, I understand. I DID, however expect it to be done a MONTH later! Okay. so I step on the scale, she smiles and notes the weight then asks me," how are you coming along in the surgery process"? "Uhm, I cannot even SUBMIT Doc until you give me the progress notes and the referral for LapBand!" "I can't do that today" she says again. Then she takes out a script and jots down the 6 weights on it along with the ICD code for morbid obesity. WHAT THE F*CK!? I told her that the surgeon will not accept this. "You know I do not approve" she said. "I know" I told her again. I am now seathing. I want to rip her head off. Okay, the fix is simple, she is now fired. She is no longer my doctor. Upon going to the desk to schedule my next appointment (which she wants just before surgery, HA! If I ever get her fkn copies!) and ask the girls for copies of my last 6 progress notes. I work with and know many doctors and will just go get a new one. I have all of my sub specialty results proving some co morbidities. Take that with the progress notes and I should have no problem. Right? W R O N G! NONE, none, not one progress note has been transcribed yet, NONE, since January! WHAT? She uses a tick sheet. Sort of a cheat sheet which she later, I guess, dictates the notes to be transcribed. Uhm, SIX months? Yes she works alone now, but uhhhh I am relying on her notes for this submission. It's been a week. If by next Monday the surgeon doesn't have my paperwork form my PMD I will enlist one of my Dr. friends to put some heat on her. The surgeons coordinator is pretty organized and I suppose is used to working with difficult doctors. Writing this I am getting pissed off again. I'm off most Thursdays so perhaps I need to make a phone call!
grrr Nike + is supposed to log the last five walks/runs! The code is copied correctly, it just has issues... Anyhow, recalibrated the Pod. I am walking faster and my stride has changed. Also, the pod had been off by as much as .3 miles once I went over 3 miles. NOT good when I get to be real serious about logging. It was .03 difference today after 2.68 miles. I can live with that for now.
Finally got through to the Pulmonologists office, his Bklyn office anyhow. His other office number would ring off the hook. SOMETIMES I would get the service but they can only tell me what office hours they have. Tuesday appt to get final results form the two sleep studies along with an order for CPAP machine I suppose. I just need the damned letter/evaluation for my insurance. He suggested PFT's the last visit months ago. What a sham. I still think he and the sleep lab owner/Dr. are either related or friends.
Called the surgeons office to make a psych appt. The Psychologist no longer goes to their group to see patients. ANOTHER roadblock. Maybe the universe is trying to tell me something?
I am dropping lbs very quickly. So quickly in fact that I ask Marty to test the scale. Nope, it is correct.
WTF? I am eating basically what I always have ( I never ate poorly..just too big of a portion). I am exercising my ass off though....but nothing too crazy.
The only difference with this attempt and the last five or ten are: My back, although it hurts, is not a constant 10+. It actually hovers around a 3-4-5 on most days. My foot (R) and heel pain still flare up but only in the O R. I am trying to get more sleep.
If anyone has a clue as to why weight is coming off now...I'd be interested.
Oh, the biggest changes are I am utilizing MANY tools in this weight loss attempt. 1} Nike+ Ipod sensor 2} Omron Pedometer 3} Polar F11 HRM 4} Uploading and tracking on all of the above websites 5} Spreadsheets tracking all data 6} Food diaries 7} Frequency They do get overwhelming when I think about all of them...but when I am hooked up I actually like the data tracking.
New day, new week...keep on keepin' on. Loads to do. Need to get on the Cardio's back regarding getting my precertification for the Thallium Stress test. Totally forgot to make the psych appointment. I'll call tomorrow. My surgeons office has a Psych who comes in and gives the evaluation. Hey! Whatever works. The Dell crapped out on me when I was in Myrtle. I have tried to reload Windows at least four times. We wiped out the hard drive and tried all the tricks of the trade. This is when it is advantageous to have Marty be in the field. He wasn't, however, able to fix it. Off to Dell in the mail. Pisses me off that a brand new computer does this. It's a machine afterall.....it's supposed to work. If the computer age happened during our parents young adulthood you KNOW they would be workhorses...and would last for YEARS! Everything is made like crap anymore. Body has made a new setpoint which is nice. A long weekend of not so careful eating has not caused me to gain weight. NICE! Now it's time to turn things up and get down another ten. Ta'
Had an Echo this morning. Tech showed and told me of a Tricuspid regurgitation. GREAT, something else. "Everyone has leaks though" she said. Yes they do but when you see YOURS on the monitor it is a little disarming. Called to find out about my Stress Thallium appointment and was told that I have to call the Dr. I was to be given a pre cert # and I wasn't. Well fuckadoodle. It's the holiday weekend. No one is around in the office.
Went to my primary last Thrusday. It was SUPPOSED to be my 6th month visit...and the springboard into submitting my paperwork to the insurance company. Nah, she (my Dr) has other plans it seems. She is VERY much against this surgery. She has been very vocal about it. If she gives me more trouble about going forward I will just take my 6 months of weight tracking progress notes, fire her as my primary and trot on over to another Dr. Thank goodness I work in the industry and know many of them.
The Pulmo's office keeps calling me to make an appointment. The results form my second sleep study are in..... I have called the freaking office for a WEEK and no one answers. SOMETIMES the service answers...they just tell me when the office is open. I chose my PCP because a few years ago my PCP who was also my Endocriologist (the best Dr I have had aside from my OB/GYN) started to only see peds. On my mothers recommendation I started seeing her Dr. Eh....no great impressions but I am my Dr in my eyes..and she would "do". She has her own agenda though. Likes HER referred testing sites and sub specialists. Perhaps it is because I am in the healthcare field but many of the Drs she has sent me to are sub par ( IN MY OPINION and experience). The place she sent me for the sestamibi and Dexa...CRAPOLA, her old partner who I had to see when she was unavailable... CRAPOLA...and the Pulmo(I would and should have gone to another) CRAPOLA....and last but not least....the Cardio ...CRAPOLA..I knew him a decade ago (less fat than I am now) and he was less grumpy and more attentive...maybe he just doesn't like fat people...maybe he is just an old bastard.... Man I am grumpy...but these are not the team I would be choosing.....I am changing PCPs after this banding crap is over....maybe a few months out though so she can see the results and change her mind.
So, I'm taking my tired, tricuspid leaking self to bed early. I have a splitting headache.
I did walk several times this last week. The pod however is not working? I think I put it to sleep. I also forgot the pod one day, numnutz! Back on track oficially Tuesday night. Can't tomorrow, I am driving 10.5- 12 hours. G R O A N.
It's always too short, the time I am here in SC. Some sun, some pool, some beach, some shopping, some "fun". Lots of showers and thunder. Perhaps I will be down again sooner than September. I plan to recuperate here after my 2 week post op Dr.s visit. Tuesday it is back to the grind. Work and pre-op business. I'm only just worried about the Stress Thallium test. I get sick easily. Heard others got sick during the test. Wish me luck.
Landed at the Turtle (Myrtle, that is) Friday morning. Landed, HA! I mean, I finally got to the door. I DROVE, again. Bag of pretzels and 4 Diet Cokes eaten during the drive. Two cat-naps at rest stops. One bathroom break and one gas refueling. The trip still took me nearly 11.5 hours. Had a major detour somewhere in Baltimore(I think). Off course about 10 miles....thank goodness 95 shows up everywhere sooner or later. Got in and the house is warm, not hot but not cool either. Had it set on the "away" temperatuere setting of 78 degrees. I never heard the compressor kicking in and it sure was getting warm. Was it broken again? The mysterious HVAC guy wasn't just going to be in the neighborhood like liast time. WTF was I going to do? I check the fuse box. I actually was going to trip the fuse and as soon as I touched the switch it kicked in. Note to self: BE PRESENT NEXT house build. The wiring is FOR SHIT! [For shit seems to be coming out of my mouth a lot lately] Anywho, the ceiling fan makes it really nice in here. It actually felt a little too cool when I went to bed (which was around 4:30 AM). I turned it up a little and woke up to feeling like a roasted chicken. I have fiddled with it a bit and have to get it pumping before the really hot weather comes. Barring coming here for recuperation, I won't be back again until September! I have to have it set cool enough to keep anything from getting moldy and stale. VERY mindful of not eating like a pig down here. Last trip I gained the 8 lbs I had previously lost back again with a friend or two. Didn't eat healthfully last night or today except for breakfast which was weight control oatmeal. I just had a mini DiGiorno (sp) supreme pizza. Stocking up today from Kroger or the Pig. It is actually nicer here, temperature wise than it was in NJ/NY the last few days. Going to the pool and beach for some sun. Ta'
..the walk did today. Freaking pissed me off I tell ya'! The dip at the end of my horrible walk is when I had to ditch the Ipod and run for the bathroom! Well, THAT never happened before....not during a walk. I did get sick as a dog in the shower one day after I pushed over 4 miles. I hadn't eaten too soon before. I was sipping water. I guess I cannot exercise within 3 hours of eating? I'll have to refine this because that would be ridiculous.
I begrudgingly went to my second night of the sleep study. I know they are screwing with me and i will be charged for this "2nd night". [[Upon arriving to my first sleep study I was told that my insurance ONLY covers what is called a "split- night". If I had signs of needing CPAP I would be awakened halfway through the study, fitted with a mask and sent back to la la land. I woke up around 6 a.m. with NO MASK..hence, no CPAP needed.....right?? A week later I got a phone call telling me I had signs/episodes and I now needed a 2nd night...I smell a rat.]] Anyhow, went and was pre fitted with the first mask, nose only...."Get it off of me"! I felt like I was being smothered. Second mask, went over nose AND mouth...."Nope, get it off of me"! Ok, now I am being a PITA! Um, I couldn't breathe! Ok, # 3 is what is called "nose pillows". Still feel very weird when I try to breathe with my mouth open...but we'll try it. Woke up around 1 to pee.....no problems so far.....had a little bit of trouble getting back to sleep. I was JARRED out of sleep my water being sprayed into my nose/throat and leaking on my head....I felt like I was choking. I was aspirating....I was dying..... Ok, a little drama..but I was choking a bit...coughed it up and yelled for them to come get their equipment off me now please! The tech said she put the humidity too high with the last adjustment. Ya' think!? I was ten minutes shy of a full study required by insurance....it better be enough. Took most of the goop out of my hair, threw my hair in a Novo hat and went on my way. I didn't feel rested. I felt the same as I do every other morning I wake up at 5:30 a.m. I'm a stubborn little shit when I want to be. I am not going to wear any apparatus. Nope, not doing it.
Went to the hospital today, the Endo unit. Had the EGD done. Have the pics and report. Mild "itis" both in the esophogus and stomach. Non erosive in the stomach. Waiting for the results of the biopsies to rule out H. Pylori. Although I LOVE Propophol I felt a little weird on the ride home. Ate a little something then basically zoned out for a long nap. Secong sleep study tomorrow night. All that is left is Stress Thallium Office visits with the Pulmo, Cardio and GI, Venous Duplex........ Why am I doing this again? You would think anyone could lose 60 pounds, no? all of this after next weeks "vacation"! I refuse to let anyone tell me I am on vacation. Vacation does not consist of WORK. Wherever I am, there I work... Wasn't I supposed to be in Australia but now? The house is gone :(. We couldn't keep both. What was the plan again? Nearly three freaking years later. Home home, and rental/friends retreat. How I miss my bedroom. I can't even fit my bed in the TH bedroom, not the way it should be! I want my decade back!
I used to know what pushing through it meant......I had forgotten. I got to that place today in my WALK (yes, still only walking) where I thought I couldn't take another freakin' step. Thank God for Billy Joel! His few songs I have on the ole Ipod started playing and soon I was off again......Thank you Billy! I used to run.....why the hell did I stop and where the fuck have I been?
I am in a running (me, only walking) challenge with an amazing woman I have never met. She had LB surgery and posts on a message board/forum I read. I have been following her story and many successes. She is truly an inspiration! Thank you Christine!
I got to see Doc after all Friday. I was scheduled to see her but her office canceled me mid week and I was just going to reschedule. Funny thing though...I was working with her Friday afternoon and asked what she was doing after the case. "Nothing" she said then promptly called the office to ask me be fit in again. Nice to know the boss! Seeing her for my "consult" is being done out of order because I cannot fit a visit with her into my schedule. Also, I needed to bring a person with me(their rules). The four friends I asked worked, one had her daughters prom. A friend I work with came, so nice of her to do so on a Friday night! Thank you Justine!
Maybe the lagging timeline will work for me. The group will start doing the Realize band from Ethicon. I love their products. Everything we use from Ethicon works in a superior fashion to their competitors. We are even supposed to switch back to their suture...I HOPE SO! The main differences in the band systems are Ethicons has a unique port placement system. It looks like a cross between a PPH and circular stapler with a dash of clip applier. All of their stapling devices are great so I expect no less from this device.
Another attempt to be accountable to myself while on this journey....
Journals, dozens of them forum postings, many Blogs, just this one, so far.
I'm hoping this will help me stay present and accountable in my journey through Lapland and weightloss.
The Thoreau quote I have had in my signature for years. BC (before computers) I used to have it scribbled on my books in HS and College. It's about time I gave ole Henry's words a little more respect huh.....? Where did I go? Jesus Christ, where did I go?
